gracefully cursed: 2004
posted 2019-05-22 22:14:47

Iíve not been on this site since I was a junior in high school, in 2004. I had a couple close friends on here back then, but everything was kept anonymous. My mind is in a bad place lately. It was such a comfort to me to find out this was still going, so I could come back. Iím not sure I remember how to do this, or where to start. Iíll be back when Iíve started sorting things out.

permanent link


miss misery:
posted 2019-05-22 07:48:05

When you are of a certain age that skin has lost a forgiving bounce and any photograph shows more resemblance to the chins of Jabba the Hut, it's undeniable. Sure, I'm disconnected from the appearance in such a way that I fear autism-testing becoming a mandatory professional exclusion criterion, (or queary how many traits of Bordeline I actually might demonstrate or if on the spectrum of narcisism for wondering this, then perhaps neurotic gets a look in....), but just recently there's something irreversible about the weight aging me. Fuck fourty! Fuck internalised, self-destructive anger which has no words or expression, just shovels foodin my mouth to show youhow much you hurt me/ you let me down/ you found my vulnerability and turned it's blade on me. You're experts, you two. You have all the answers. If I was just more like you, I'd be healthy weight, I'd control my eating, I would stick to my plans and nutrition guidelines, I'd fast and not eat, always eat sensibly, not like chocolate, cook every night, not buy ingredients or impulse buys, I'd not be a bad reflection on you, I'd know better, I'd not let the team down, I'd weigh myself daily, I'd get up at 4am and go to gym, I'd do everything you tell me, nothing more, nothing less, I'd never eat grain, I wouldn't eat wheat, I'd only eat meat, I wouldn't eat for weeks, I'd shove all your words and not food down my throat until I gag, then repeat without saying a word....

We fucking hate my superficial liberal voting genetic mistake of a family, then it matters how I look, then we don't spend money on clothes, then we draw out all the things that could undermine my professional persona based on appearanve, then we chant anti-discriminated policies, we chastise, then we mollify, then we mock and judge, then we rescue and cast judgement on superficiality, we want me to take pride in my appearance, but don't want the expenses......

So, I venture into dietland alone. I'll take my F pills. I want peace, no comments, encouragement and compassion, courage, not bod-focused, guilt and shame tactics. I want to just be, and to be permitted to just be.

I don't want to get the blame for cracking, ceasing bones and a shonky skeletal system. I want it to be nobody's business how I look, what I wear, for it to be a non-issue and not political warfare.

I don't want fucking surgery. I don't want hospital. I don't want to know about that shit! I feel queasy hearing descriptions of processes.

Ultimately, the humility of never asking of me what you can't do yourself, becase you are on the outside at safe judging distance without the issues, means I'd rather you target your comments or tips or advice to a fucking wall. That's about how much you show me youunderstand. And if you're not where I am,don't petend or act like my support group. Say nothing, and silently count your blessings that common sence or dietary advice work for you.I'll do the talking thanks.

If only..... silent supporters who say only "what do you need?", then do just that withoit question or oppinion. Don't ask. Don't tell. Listen. Listen. Listen. Accept. Earn my trust. Give me the digity of finding my way and not question how I proceed along my path.

But you don't ask for advice-my parents complaint as I grew up. Perhaps it's because I first must know my own mind, establish if I am stuck and whether I want help rather than having these decisions made for me. So what if you don't like my choices, or think I'm incorrect. That's not fact, you know, its oppinion. Yours, not mine. Perhaps you'd all know me better if you'd all quit encroaching on my mental and cognitive space. If there was some oxygen for me.

Am I fucking turning into all that I resent by the day, along with morphing into a fat, middle aged cow?

The new work environment could have been healthy for me, but now I'm a bit disconnected from the team by proximity. More disappointment.

Fuck fourty. Fuck me at fourty.



permanent link


Suffocating:
posted 2019-05-21 18:53:42

Things are finally starting to look up for me:

1.) I actually left the state for the first time in seven fucking months! Can you believe it?

2.) It's finally starting to look like spring outside. There are leaves on the trees and no snow on the ground for the first time since October.

3.) I'm back to working normal hours. A greater work/life balance is more important to me at this time than a little extra money in the bank.

4.) Even though I won't be going to Chicago this weekend as originally planned, there will be enough happening to keep me busy during my three days off (a concert, a sporting event, and a short road trip 1-2 hours east of here).

Hopefully I can enjoy the next 4-5 months before I start looking for jobs on the other side of the country like I did last fall.

permanent link


Dead 2 M.E.:
posted 2019-05-21 15:40:37

We tried to work it out and that went to shit. I bent over backwards for her and sheís having a ďmental breakdownĒ over moving out (no lease) in a compact car full of belongings less than 10 miles (to pay no rent at a relatives) in less than 2 hrs of packing, travel and unloading. losing a shitty friend and her car stopped working and was fixed the next day. And she makes over $90k a year. Youíre going to be alright.
I even paid to renew her AAA and the tow truck.

And she has the nerve to say I donít care about her and yell and scream at me when I question her.
The girl is draining as fuck. I was happy when I kicked her out, but she apologized and said I was right about her friend. So let her back in.

Now sheís saying thereís more to it she doesnít want to tell me.

My guesses:

1) she is/was pregnant by me or someone else
2) she was actually hooking up with her female friend like I always thought
3) she hooked up with one or more of the 3 guys Iíd be mad that she hooked up with.
4) sheís full of shit and the sky is falling due to her first world problems.
5) I really hope she wasnít raped. Iíd have to kill.

Number 1 doesnít bother me. If itís 2-4 iíll Never say another word to her.
Sheís been acting super crazy. If thereís no explanation Iím gone and if itís not a significant reason Iím gone.

permanent link


condemned: PBR
posted 2019-05-18 17:44:18

Sometimes I deliberately get drunk to feel those feelings. You know, the ones you deny sober but still exist? Those. Sometimes they feel good

permanent link


Epigenetic:
posted 2019-05-17 15:33:36

Planning on my moving in with both my girlfriends in a couple months, after my job starts. This will be a big change.

I hope this goes well and doesn't make everyone miserable.

///there is a small stupid annoying part of me that's strongly influenced by my parents that wants to break up with them (sad) and go find some successful, ambitious woman with a great career and become an affluent power couple making power moves.

And then I remember how fucking miserable i've been when I tried doing shit like that before.

Going to Ohio this weekend for GrandOrca's memorial service with her surviving sisters. We lost the ashes for a couple of weeks, which I felt was fitting, sort of like a viking funeral, where they return to the sea, GrandOrca had just kind of merged into the hoard pile she'd spent her life accumulating. It was justice.

But we found her, so now parts of her are getting burried out with her parents in Ohio.

Never found the gold crowns in the ash....

I suggested mixing her with some sackcrete and making a garden sculpture. My mother, to my suprise and shock, has enthusiastically embraced this idea. Yikes.

J-88 is really looking forward to me getting her pregnant, as am I. Her new job is way closer to home and she's far less miserable. A.'s son is graduating, going into the Army, so she's an empty nester and going back to school and kind of worried she's just going to be me and J-88's babysitter / live in Ur-witch fertility cult goddess / sex slave.

And I'm like, hey, we're building the world we want to live in, one year at a time.

I'm trying to imagine being 56 years old, and then I remember I've eaten an entire pound of braunshweiger in the last 24 hours, and need to tighten up if that's going to happen.

    reply by beautifulagony
    reply by miss misery
permanent link


sero:
posted 2019-05-15 17:29:16

Iím just tired.

Of everybody.

People at work. People on the internet. People in my social life.

Fuck, itís just exhausting.

    reply by Dead 2 M.E.
    reply by Gauntlet
permanent link


LoudSilence:
posted 2019-05-14 02:58:37

I have officially enrolled into College.....AGAIN.
This time NOT for a licensure. But a new route. A smarter one.
A Bachelor degree in Business & Project Management.
Pretty fucking excited - to be done that is. haha.
I have gone to college more times than someone should. But each time resulted in a licensure. i.e. nursing, cosmetology. Atleast this route I can do whatever I want with it-within reason.

Plus itll help me grow more in my company. Regional Supervisor is fine - for now. But I need so much more in my life than 'babysitting'. Im already exceeding expectations - and I feel like I am not doing much.

I am excited. And also terrified. I haven't been in school for a long long time. Granted it will be online, but still.

wish me luck.


permanent link


The Dean:
posted 2019-05-12 15:42:54

Anyone who can't find a job in the Trumpconomy is a worthless human being who should consider suicide.

permanent link


raiid: untitled
posted 2019-05-11 23:46:54

Dated a man for 7 years, he told me I was beautiful nearly every day.

Dating a man for 6 months, he tells me he's not physically attracted to me.


Seems like I'm taking that latter to heart. I knew that the first was bullshitting. That was a lie I chose to believe. Every aspect of the pathetic relationship was a lie I chose to believe every day, every month, every year.

This one...threw me way off. Its hitting me way harder.

My radar is off the fucking chart. I was slacking, not paying attention when all the indications of "he's not into you" were there.

I don't know why we stayed together beyond the initial hookup, being there no physical connection. I just think it was to mutually soothe one another's depression and lonliness.


hm, he tells me he loves me so much and doesn't know what to do or think or blah blah fucking blah. All I hear is lie lie lie lie lie lie. But really he never lied. He never told me I was beautiful. In 6 months I never noticed as much as I do now.


And here we are.
And he's asleep at his place.
And I'm way drunk at mine.
Being a fucking baked potato apparently.


Missed this place.



permanent link




return