Marxism Engaged: ACAB
posted 2023-01-27 20:50:00
Those Memphis cops need to be put down. Those on bail should be dragged out of their homes and shot in the street…naw dragged through the street beaten and sodomized like gaddafi.
posted 2023-01-25 09:23:12
Anywho…I’m thankful to have a job again but I’m exhausted working west coast hours. I feel like I’m in a constant state of jet lag. I have a couple interviews lined up for contract jobs. I’m hoping to get a second job so I have a backup in case of more layoffs. It is a rough time to be in tech.
I read that California is considering taxing people who move away from the state… I guess I dodged a bullet and left before all the shit hit the fan. Thank God. I do miss the Pacific Ocean though.
reply by beautifulagony
reply by beautifulagony
posted 2023-01-24 01:55:24
So the pansexual thing has a lot of issues. Spent the whole month arguing and me getting stressed out and reaching new anxiety levels.
Realized we are still mourning chefbro, not the good time for all that stuff.
Going to counseling soon. Spending time to reconnect, date nights. Talking.
Things are easy, but a bit hard but we'll manage.
posted 2023-01-23 12:43:27
Just have to suffer for one more month and then I'll finally have a chance to flee this soulless suburban shithole that has ruined my life. That will be the greatest day imaginable. Once I'm gone, I'm gone for good. I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever subject myself to another day in this dehumanizing place again. I would rather become homeless if it ever came down to that.
posted 2023-01-22 13:09:29
It's a new year and my mom is pressuring me to get a job. I have been in my comfy NEET bubble for so long that I wouldn't be able to handle much responsibility. My choices are going on disability or going homeless. I have no skills or education or experience or anything valuable to offer anyone. The only job that I might be able to tolerate is being a school janitor because of the long holiday breaks. I don't want to work 12 months of the year. I never asked to be born and just want to life carefree and comfy. Is that too much to ask?
posted 2023-01-19 20:42:00
My daughter..asking about when the keys went missing today. That i told her I lost them. But, she's been saying she saw him take them and it saddens me. I dont know how to explain it other than..he thought they were his and it was an accident. Which im convinced it was an accident. And he probably doesn't remember it or will admit he did. I dont recall him ever remembering things he said or did or ever apologizing for it. So I think, am I imagining things? But my mom says, he said he never took the keys. Well, maybe he was just upset and dropped them unknowingly?
I think about that morning a lot, and about other times. I remember not being upset or mad at him..I just missed him, I felt bummed out and I wanted a hug. I tried to tell him that but he responded that I was mad at him for going to a wake. I thought he was just meeting up with Jay, didn't realize it was a wake..I feel so stupid, maybe I didn't hear him tell me that. I just wanted a hug and to be heard,, that i tried waiting up for him and im not upset. Things happen, you easily get caught up at the bar and I understand that and don't mind at all. He said "I won't apologize for going to my grandpas wake" and when he said that, I felt so terrible! I didn't want him to feel like that. I immediately agreed, oh no definitely don't apologize for that! You had every right to be there and I wanted you to go! I'm not upset about that, im so sorry.
But, he stuck with it on repeat and was angry at me. I got upset ..telling him thats its no excuse to be an asshole to me! ..I went to the room to take a breather ..I felt so terrible. When I came back , I saw him getting ready to sleep on the couch. I made a remark "your not gonna run to 17 every time there's a problem are you?" And boom. "Your kicking me out for going to my grandpas wake" and I said, no I don't want you to leave, thats what im trying to tell you" but he wouldn't let go and kept repeating over and over that statement. I did not want him to feel this way and no matter how hard I try to clarify my feelings about not wanting him to leave and reassure him ..it wouldn't stop. And when he did leave, he posted on Facebook "she's kicking me out for going to my grandpas wake! She doesn't deserve my family" that just shattered me. I felt so ashamed and humiliated. Like the world was against me. I received SO many harassing messages for WEEKS because of that post. It was detrimental. I could barely cope. And I felt like such a piece of shit.
I think about all the funerals in the past.
When his grandma passed, I was very pregnant and didn't feel comfortable going across state..I wanted him to go but he ranted to his mom on the phone how he needed to stay because im pregnant and all this. I felt terrible about that but I dont think we had money or transportation anyway.
When his grandpa died , he didn't have money or transportation, his mom bought his sister a bus ticket and refused to get him one..accusing him of potentially using the money for drugs. Which was SO absurd! I was so upset for him and upset that he was being treated that way.
When his uncle died, days prior there was a huge fight between us and his dad..and he didn't go because of it. I remember his Facebook posts ranting about it and how he needed to protect me ..but he also couldn't call into work, no vacay no points to spare, no sick time, and he was working graveyard and couldn't pull an all nighter ..or all dayer if you will. But even then, maybe he could of..and its all my fault ..cuz I fuck up everything?
When his other family member died, that lived here died..I dont remember there being any issues between us. I remember being included, I remember we were all standing outside his house and everyone was talking about the pebbles he put in the driveway. It was sweet. So maybe I at least didn't fuck that one up?
And I fucked up this one , cuz I'm an idiot for mentioning i was bummed about not going to bed with him..Im so fucking dramatic I swear. I shouldn't of said anything at all. Maybe I'm clingy , I just know I was really enjoying all the intimacy that week and wanted him to feel wanted and I gave him the opposite of what I intended. So I should work on my communication better so as to not make those mistakes..cuz you can't undo them, his initial feeling sticks like glue and you can't correct it or take back any of your mistakes...apologies dont do shit either.
Am i just TOO forgiving? I always let people correct things they say on accident or when upset..does intention really not matter? I'm so confused. Therapy is even more confusing sometimes, cuz they tell you that your communication is amazing and honest but clearly thats not true if its not working with your partner. Right?
I'm so exhausted from this and im trying so hard to do the right thing. Im so exhausted from trying to fix things. I come up with all these solutions but we never try them and maybe its cuz I really am not worth it and thats why he leaves over and over again. And always says I'm kicking him out if I ask for space or to be left alone. It feels unfair and I feel so awful that he feels like that and I dont know how to reassure him when he says such mean things and im so hurt by it.
After Everything I've Done 4 You:
posted 2023-01-13 03:32:11
I wonder if this is still a thing. When I was young teens there would be other girls parents would talk about and worry about as they were exhibiting behaviour or dressing provocatively to attract attention, "Daddy issues"- stereotypes. Well, what do these women do when they are adults? 40s? Can you be one in an introverted way where you hate attention from a whole group of people but want "special attention" from few?
There are days I feel like I'm channelling something of the spirit of this in more of a "please like me", "my God you were nicer to me than I expected so now I'm feeling an attachment and I know you can fucking hurt me without meaning to, but take this bit of my heart already! I don't expect yours in return but don't crush me, mkay!" Yup, "pathetic and desperate" I believe we're the words used in 2007. Guess some things don't change and unmet needs become bloody canyons that unsuspecting persons fall into accidentally. I'm sorry for the pressure. You don't need to take it on. It's my responsibility, but I don't know how to do life without being just a wide open heart for people to manoeuvre around.
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posted 2023-01-07 01:59:14
such an abusive, love-hate relationship i have with the “delete journal” checkbox. wanting the catharsis vs. dreading the regret.
what a time to be alive, hatelife. listening to roger penrose interviews has me catching almost tangible glimpses of the matrix. the new knives out ended with me reflecting on how close i came to tipping into the elon musk cult of personality world and how glad i am to have avoided it. the fundamental weirdness of the politics of this country making me wonder if giving a fuck is really warranted at this point. wheee!
we and the littles just got back to stable after a five-month u.s. road trip, with all the planning and money and energy that required. on top of that, we’re trying to guide a brilliant, complicated kid through a heavy and frankly scary time in his life. like sheryl says: no one said it would be easy, but no one said it’d be this hard.
happy new year?
posted 2023-01-01 13:46:42
the man affixes a harsh gaze on the pretty redhead trollop in the window who seemingly has most her teeth and parts in the right place. she shrinks back for a moment then touches her hand to the glass and mimes a gesture that indicates her competence in the realms of pleasure and the man feels a dark shiver come upon him. he shoves Seher away with a bellicose laughing roar and opens the door to the establishment.
I wa’n’t the red one, see. he’s got a thick accent. the whoremaster fingers the two-barreled pistol in his pocket. men who travel far are often getting away from something, he knows. all his girls are either expensive imports or leased from family at dear prices. the redhead’s just a runaway who grew an arse like a fever. the man slaps down three silver coins with the face of a dead warrior-king and says it again. the red one, pleaseya and love to meetcha. the whoremaster knows this man is likely at the least to beat the girl, but as he’s coming off the port direct, mayhap he’ll be done soon. the calculations of accumulated pleasure that drive the whoremaster put the keys in the door and escort the man in.
he takes a seat across from the redheaded girl. he chooses a name he’s used in Crog before, rubs it around his mouth, trying to taste if it’s been spoiled. he last used it aboard a ship long-sunk in black ice. I’m Giergio-Lugadaro Raspa, he says, carefully. some sea slut from the Southward won’t know a Cantacuzino name from the sound the floorboards made. you’re a right pret’ damsel you are. he moves his hands closer to her and she leans towards him. his hand closes like all the savageness in wild jungles that’s ever been done.
after the damage is done, he marches out and beats the whoremaster and takes back his coin and one of the older girls rushes him with a knife and he breaks both her hands and threatens to cut her tongue in half with his knife. she gives him the sullen look of a hale survivor and he respects that enough to not bleed her out then and there. the redhead may recover as well, though doubtful she’ll have memory left of this day, except buried deep past thoughts and spirit. the man who calls himself Georgio Raspa often thinks of himself as far beyond thought and spirit, merely action and essence. he goes through the whoremaster’s things and grabs a few trinkets and notes and makes his way back to the Salz past a nodding, guffawing Seher, his teeth stained brown with coffee. Raspa wishes Seher would choke on the abominable stuff sometime. he’d drown him in a vat of it, if not for the awful black stench of the stuff. I’m headed back to the Salz to sleep off the quim and carnage, he mutters to Seher, seeing as I can’t catch but a wink without water underneath me.
the scientists from the Daiud are filing back around him and he decides to bunk there that night, so’s worst that can happen is the whoremaster’s handlers and taxmen have to split their time between two ships to find him and give him time to move away. having an escape ready isn’t something Raspa does consciously but he does it constantly. a man of angels and doors and hatches, the cool geometry of finding his way through and out of justice’s nooses.
Othogo is there, though. like Raspa, he’s a man on the run. Othogo had been caught with his prick in something that wasn’t all the way human and didn’t set his fancy on having his manhood boiled off and getting sent into the desert colonies. Othogo ran. but Othogo was both valuable and a drunkard, so he fixed the ship’s instruments and told everyone he’d fucked the tar out of a corvidwoman, one of those horrendous beasts that looked like a melting crow coming out of a man’s torso. Raspa just never saw the appetite in something like that.
posted 2022-12-28 18:18:46
That the American people should be exterminated is clear to me beyond a shadow of a doubt. The only real question is whether the virgin females should be allowed to live as in the story of the Midianites in Numbers 31:17-18 or whether the entire population should be wiped out like in Sodom and Gomorrah. This is a question of genetics, of whether the genetic damage to the population was irreversible. If not, virgin women can be assimilated.