king M.E.: Soon.
posted 2018-05-24 15:27:48

I have 2 secrets in life.
1 Iíve told hL the other I havenít.

Itís been 3 years.... itís no longer a phase. This is something that needs to be addressed.

Iím giving myself the weekend, then next Tuesday Iím telling hL and within a week after,the gf.

    reply by s n a p s
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posted 2018-05-20 22:56:18

Play party was knife themed, Witchcraft made cupcakes with little unicorn rings in them at work and brought them with.

We had a nice time, though not as intense as last week.

So we got back to her place from the play party at like midnight, and she was raring to go, and we were, so we were like 20 minutes into that when her 17 year old son, who was supposed to be elsewhere, comes home.

That got awkward as fuck. I mean, no 17 year old wants to listen to uh, that, but it is what it is.

Several hours later, got up, led worship at church, it was very good musically for some reason, possibly because I've lost all sense of tune or rhythm. Very sparse attendance since the weather warmed up. I hadn't been in two weeks due to concern about grandoOrca.

She's taken to calling me Thomas. I have no #)@)@( Clue why, but we turn her and change her and my mom does more of the care than I do, by a long shot, but she appreciates my support. Thomas? I was Robert briefly last week.

She's in a good mood, and kind, which is nice.


So drove back into town tonight, to meet a prosectiive sperm recipient couple. They wanted to go to the long established hipster dive bar / sushi restaurant (way better than it sounds) that I've never been to before. They're great. I hope it all works out from donation to their kid(s) being perfect.

These folks I'm working with mostly off a recommendation from my last couple, who are awesome.

They're awesome too! World's cutest baby butch! They're fun! I hope everything works! Especially the child's pancreas!

Summer school starts tomorrow.

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posted 2018-05-19 19:59:15

I need to channel all this brain activity into erotic fiction.

    reply by Epigenetic
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The Dean:
posted 2018-05-18 16:14:45

My girlfriend's parents will be flying in from Poland next week to see their daughter and granddaughter. I am not looking forward to their visit and neither is my liver.

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posted 2018-05-15 08:21:01

When others make it sound so easy to just simply... pick up and leave. Move somewhere else. Perhaps, for them - ones with disposable income, jobs - it would be. I'm tied down. I am unable to pick up and leave or else I would not be here. I would not be in this country. I would be able to start anew.

Instead, I have a quiet, boring town. No friends as the last one left me because getting dick by three different guys was more important to them than maintaining a friendship with the one person who saw her as a human rather than a sex toy.

Who cares, right? Which is why I have posted my drivel here.

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posted 2018-05-12 17:27:56

I hate to admit it because I wasted the time that I was with him pining over Mike, but I really miss Dan. He was a good one.

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Death By Snu Snu: More Bullshit, but an upside as well.
posted 2018-05-12 03:50:48

Right on, my roommate/best friend is no longer either of those things. Gotta love it when a worthless glutton downs all your booze while popping pain pills and you wake up to him spitting in the corner of the room and then he starts attacking you for waking up and telling him not to do that shit.

Ffs, gotta love the shit I do for people.
No, not really.
Fuck this shit.

We were drinking at a respectable level. But then again, if he wasn't lying about taking all of Cheryl's pain meds he wouldn't have had this psychotic break. But sadly he WAS lying. To both of us when we fucking asked him. If I'd have known he was really taking all her pain medications I wouldn't have even let the fucker drink at all. Hell, I wouldn't have drank, either. I'd wait until hours after he took it so it'd have already worn off or I'd wait until the next day.

All I said to him was "What the Hell are you doing that there for? There's a pale over there." He went all animalistic on me or something, the look in his eyes was fucking WILD. Like he was not himself...He punched me in the face, gave me a black eye. My right side hurts now. He pulled on my hair. There was a CONSIDERABLE amount left when I said to stop drinking, and then I went to sleep. I've told him so many times to NOT KEEP DRINKING WHEN I'M ASLEEP. But, gluttons are idiots and don't give a shit. About anything.

He went to my fucking mothers, two days in a row. Bugging her. She was stupidly nice enough and gave him some money and told him to fuck off. I wish she didn't do that. x.x; He can legit be charged with theft for taking her pain medication, because they're narcotics. I barely use pain medication at all. I just usually smoke some pot and I'm good. He's also been saying it was HIM that was asleep and that HE woke up to ME attacking him. BullfuckingSHIT, bitch! I can swear on my dead baby brother's grave, he can't do the fucking same and I know it. He's already admitted to stealing her pills and lying to both of us.

Well, he's fucking dead to me, now. I'm done saving his bitch life, he isn't worth a fucking thing, anymore. Sure he was my only best friend, but whatever. I'm worth more than his bitch ass is worth even paying attention to, ffs. I'm done trying to save him. I've saved his life enough times, saved him from his parents, gave him the chance to get away from his parents by coming to live with me and whatnot. I'm the only reason he has access to a 300 dollar overdraft in his bank account. I'm the reason he was able to get medication because I made him get a fucking doctor. I'm also the reason he had new glasses, but then he got black out drunk and tossed them off the balcony in the previous place we were at.

He's been kicked out of here, and now I finally can stop looking for a place. I can live here in this two bedroom with Cheryl. A great friend of the family, by the way. I finally can stop babysitting a 40 year old 'man'. I can finally pay attention to myself. I'm getting a new kitten end of the month. She's adorbs! I picked the name Persephone. She's grey with some white bits. =) Goes great with the whole underworld theme she's got going on. xD Granted I'll have less money to deal with because he's been kicked out, but that's a small price to pay, honestly. Compared to all the shit he's put me through ffs, yeah it's a small price to pay, so.

Time for some real me time. =) My stress levels will finally go back to what they were at before my parents had to sell the house. Aahhh, it'll be so nice to be back to that state, again. Not much to worry about.

Wow, this was a long post. lols I suppose a lot can happen in just a few days.

Black eye means I ain't going out anywhere unless it's fucking dark outside or I can wear my sunglasses. x.x;

    reply by Epigenetic
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posted 2018-05-09 16:08:04

Whew. I don't know where I left off. I don't see this journal entry being structured well or very coherent.. I feel scatter brained. Everytime I think I've found the answer, I find myself right back where I thought I'd never be again. I am fighting my weight again. Fighting old habits of coping. Finding it hard to make it 5lto the gym. I still can't really understand what the problem is. Motivation is low most days and I'm tired as hell. Got a cold sore last month, never had one before. That sucks. Back to fighting to stay below 200lbs, in the midst of a diet bet with my friend, kind of feel like just winning and taking time away from such strictness. Idk. I felt a lot better when I was smaller and clothes fit me nice and I could move around without feeling so heavy. I don't know how to deal with things.. I think I go straight to distraction and deception and avoidance still, just not with booze and cigarettes and I'm able to hold off going crazy with junk food for longer. But I jumped right back into a relationship and she's incredible, honestly, but some part of me knows I would've been better off really taking some time for myself and not distracting myself with tinder and dating in general. I just get so lonely.. and it feels good to be liked.. and justified all the steps I was taking with my looks and everything having a few different girls that were digging me, and made me feel worthwhile and interesting and excited. New partners bring new perspective and a different part of me that I might otherwise not see, and push me to do new exciting things, and distract me from boredom and loneliness.

I went to Vipassana.. 10 days of meditation, vegetarianism, no books, writing, talking, cell phones, no cooking, no exercise, no masturbation, no drugs, just be. Just be alive and don't lose your mind. I almost made it... Well, not really, I made it halfway. And then ran screaming lol. That shit was really fucking hard and my mind just wouldn't stop fucking with me. Haven't really meditated since I left, but then again 40 hours or so while I was there is more than I'd get in a typical year probably, so maybe I'm still ahead of the game.

Currently waiting to see my new psychiatrist, or psychologist, I can never remember which is which. Basically a fancy therapist without prescribing medication, whichever. I'm at my shrinks office waiting to be seen. Not really sure what I'm going to tell him.. I've been through this shit so many timedñs and I never know where to start, and what's relevant and what isn't, it all feels like we are just throwing shit at the wall and hoping something will stick and if it sticks hoping it was the right thing. Never any certainty in this.

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posted 2018-05-06 03:30:09

Dom is insecure over the fact that he can't provide for me the way comrade did. But honestly the way I am living right now is no different from my previous life.

According to him it's too many things that add up to him and he just can't match up to comrade.

I told him that I am fine with it. I honestly am. It's time for me to make it on my own all I need is his support.

    reply by Epigenetic
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posted 2018-05-04 14:13:56

I have never in my life held a blue collar job but I seemed to have landed a job where there is more beaurocracy and security than the government and they make white collar worker clock in and out. My boss awful, coworkers are snakes and everything sucks. Iím trying to decide if I really am desperate enough to keep the job.... the only perk is that it pays well. Not sure how long I can tolerate soul crushing.

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