A Better M.E.: The party’s over.
posted 2026-01-18 13:51:40
I just sold my leather jacket I bought for $300 back in 2016 or 2017 for $125. I’ve only worn in twice. It’s always been too small and I feel like a poser in it. I kind of fits now that I’ve lost 15 pounds from work. Still too tight around my biceps.
The guy talked me down from $150, then tried to talk me down at the exchange. I would burn that jacket in front of him before taking a cent less than the agreed amount. Either haggle online or at the meet, not both. I hate haggling.
Anyways, last week saw 3 different videos some girl in the cucks friendslist took of the party Cersei, the cuck, his ex and the butch were at. Shit that party was lame.
Every party and thing her and friends wanted to do was so fucking lame…like this is the shit you’d rather be doing then raising a family?
I was at a party last night and it was just as lame, I had two drinks and left, doubt I made it to 90 mins.
Anyways The cuck hovers around Cersei like a fly but her attention was always elsewhere.
When the cuck was singing Kareoke all three were outside…he seemed so lonely and sad. all three times I’ve seen him he seems so pathetic and the video was no different. He can fake confidence in a photo but not in video.
Also, someone smeared cake on the side of the cucks face and the ways Cersei was holding her finger I was dreading that it was her…there was no frosting on her finger but that would be the finger used based on the direction of the frosting and the side of his face it was on…but in the video there was another guy with frosting on his face too…so who knows.
Cersei does have a lot of short, harmless/awkward men as friends.
So I’m confident it’s just friends.
The guy whose hand she had on his chest back in May was taller and probably bigger than me.
The cuck also always wears boots that boost his height by 2-3 inches.
Anyways. I need get my shit together. Stop worrying about these people. I’ll be back when there’s some progress on that worth talking about.
Till then. I lo
HowToHuman: Safe Word?
posted 2025-12-31 15:11:34
There comes a point, where I recognize the moment. I stop. I acknowledge it. Its getting out of control. It's become tit-for-tat. This is escalating. Time to slow down.
Nope. Just wide eyed, detached. The hard unsettling stare. Another jab at me.
Why am I the only one taking responsibility?
Pause,Recognize, change course. Space. Regulate.
The silence can be deafening, it's not peace. It's never repair. Like nothing ever happened at all.
I feel sick.
I feel so lost.
Maybe I need to ask for help.
Epigenetic:
posted 2025-12-02 21:31:48
Changing jobs, new one is private care, five days a week, 9-5, stable, so I can try and go back to NP school.
Per the pulmonologist, the lumps in my lungs are benign / calcifications surrounding old sites of infection. He asked if i'd ever spent much time in the Ohio river valley, evidently the soil dust around there contains a lot of potential gnarly lung pathogens? and yes, did some barn breaking, my grandmother's family is from there. Yes, it's possible i picked something up working in that field that weekend, 15 years ago.
Not sure how i'll like private care, its very 1:1, feels kind of unambitious compared to other things, but i keep getting called out for making people feel bad in my regular job- HCA is very into customer service, and i'm not a chipper enough lil beaver.
Very much not, all the lingering colds drain my energy.
I made candied ginger today! the discount supermarket had a bunch on sale, like 2lbs for 2$, so i candied it- not sure how it'll turn out yet, but i poured off some of the sugar syrup i'd been kinda boiling it in and made mint tea with it and now that'll cure what ails ya.
Wonko The Sane: Wonko Awakens!
posted 2025-11-13 17:08:01
It has been an interesting journey.
I've learned some fairly fundamental things that I probably should have learned long ago; things that my parents would have taught me if they were functional, but that wasn't to be my life.
I've learned that the best words to describe my relationship with my mother are 'emotionally abusive'. Physical abuse was rare, reserved for the occasions where I did not submit to the emotional abuse. The word to describe the relationship with my father is 'neglectful'. Neither of my parents had useful parents / role models of their own, both were 23 years old when they had me, their first child. Both had substance abuse issues, neither had education or ambition. Both were in survival mode, doing what they could to get by.
I spent most of my childhood in a household that bobbed above and below the poverty line; but I was provided with a roof, clothing, and food. If the food was .. undesirable, I learned to eat it else suffer a berating for being ungrateful, never mind that it was badly burned. I have a very distinct memory of being in a shoe store. I knew better than to ask for the $100 Air Jordans, but on this day I dared ask for the second least expensive shoes in the store just to be publicly berated for not selecting the least expensive option. I was very strongly aware of just how poor we were; no chance was missed to remind me how much of an expense and a burden I was, no chance was missed to heap on the guilt for being alive, no chance was missed to remind me that I owe my mother a debt of gratitude for each breath that a draw. I'm now aware that I've just described the caricature of an entire generation of broken women.
It turns out that screws with how you form relationships. Attachment theory - cool stuff. Should have learned that a long time ago. I've got strong leanings to both the avoidant categories, aligned to the flavors of damage my parents handed down to me.
I can't recall if I called this out in my previous post, but I know where the journey goes now. It's a journey to end the cycle of inter-generational abuse. I am the cycle breaker.
.. so that means I need to learn secure attachment, then do secure attachment, and teach secure attachment.. and this last year has been absolutely transformative in that regard.
First, cleaning house.
Around 8 years ago I thought it was a wise idea to bring my family together. To tap out, buy a giant house and move my parents in. Didn't realize back then that my mother was abusive. Didn't realize it until I watched her level a fist at my 4 year old child. Spent several years working on that, brining therapy in to the home.. just to eventually realize that I can't fix my mother. She isn't capable of acknowledging that she has done any harm, or that there's anything to fix. My father is actually a reasonably kind man, and remains welcome in my home. My mother is no longer welcome here, moved out almost a year ago.
My father asked to go for a drive, we're going on Saturday. We'll take a couple hours to drive to and through the mountains, and a couple hours to drive home again. We did something similar a year ago, it was a good conversation. He opened up and shared things he had never shared before. I'm certain that he'll ask about when I'll reconcile with my mother. I don't think he'll like to hear that it's not going to happen, but while that might make him sad, and he might apply some guilt about how she feels.. <Shrug> .. that's just how it has to be. I know the simple truth. If I make space for her feelings, she will use that space to do harm, apply guilt, start poisoning my mind again. I've gone through the process of grieving my relationship with my mother; I accept that I didn't get a mother, it worked out that I got an abuser instead.
Turns out I was quite the people pleaser. As much as I still hate the word, "Simp" fits. I gave everything to building a nest for my family. Brining my abuser back in to my life helped make sure that my voice was not heard, that my feelings were dismissed, that the television got turned up if I wanted to speak to my children. I became invisible, and it was killing me. It took real health problems to wake me up, realize that the stress was killing me. We spent 8 years teaching my wife how to ignore me, and take me for granted.
The work on the relationship with my wife is ongoing. I've set a number of important boundaries, and we've explicitly discussed attachment styles and emotional invalidation. We agree that emotional invalidation is not okay, and we've gotten pretty good at preventing it. I was ready to leave, I didn't think it could be saved. I thought I had simp'ed long enough that respect was gone. I was a roommate, I was a paycheque, I was a doormat. We've come a long way from there. Things really turned around when I set a key boundary - if I'm treated disrespectfully, there will be repair. If there's no repair, then I'm not going to sleep in our bedroom. Realizing that her husband was not willing to share a bed with her really woke her up. I think she realized then that I wasn't fucking around, and that she was dangerously close to losing me. Things aren't perfect, nor is perfection the objective, but there is now respect, gratitude, and acknowledgement of how we've harmed each other with our anxious and dismissive attachment styles.
.. then there are the friends, or my sudden complete lack of them. :|
Turns out the relationships formed by a simp don't hold up when the simp stops simping. I stopped people pleasing, stopped trying to keep the relationships alive, and they 'simp'ly vanished. I've outgrown these broken relationships, and it's time to move on.
Move on to where? Glad you asked! :D
I mentioned health issues earlier. I've learned that trauma is stored in the body; so I've done a lot of work on that. No more living in the pit of comfort, sitting on the sectional buried in pillows and blankets staring at a screen whilst consuming excess quantities of unhealthy foods. A new morning routine that includes healthy food with a stretching and light calisthenics to awaken the body. I stopped sitting on the bench with all the other parents while my kids are at parkour lessons, I joined the classes; I'm currently training front / back flips, and working up to jumping over my car. In a previous post I mentioned Disneyland - I bought a belt from the Polo store in Anaheim a year ago, I dropped that belt off yesterday, I'm getting it shortened by 4 inches so I can continue to wear it.
Also reviving old passions. With the changes in folks living here and growing children I've put out my chess table and my nice chess board. I'm playing tournaments and have been holding a FIDE rating > 1500, there's a couple of titled players in my club, and many others to learn from. I've accepted that opponents at this level aren't going to lose to a mid-game tactic for mate or material, that I'm playing for one advanced pawn and endgame position.
Perhaps most importantly is the cannabis - or lack thereof. I used weed to manage my anxiety for decades. I knew I needed it, I needed it so that I could keep being a simp and avoid facing the unpleasant truths that I did not want to face. This was the true final step in reclaiming myself. I've faced the demons, I've proven to myself that I'm strong enough to defeat them, and now that I've finally got my shit together I can stop using weed to numb myself from the trauma that has gone unhealed for so long. I've been sober almost two months now. Chess was a big help with that, I realized I wasn't going to swing with the nerds unless I was firing on all cylinders - I'm good to go now.
I'm here now.
I'm me - and it's wonderful. :)
Now I explore further, getting back to sorting out some spiritual matters, some reading I've lined up includes:
Science and the Akashic Field - Evrin Laszlo
The elegant universe - Brian Greene
I'm feeling quite certain that this universe operates in ways that we do not scientifically understand. I'm completely talking out of my ass here, I can prove absolutely nothing, but I'm going to posit that our brains are capable of interacting with quantum fields. That if all matter is formed by excitations in quantum fields, that by definition that we are all quantum energy fields.
I am a quantum energy field.
You are a quantum energy field.
Last summer I had the opportunity to find myself in nature and I went for a hike.
I'm a city dweller, and I walked into the woods. I found myself at least 25 kms away from the nearest cell tower, 5kms away from the nearest human. The type of quiet I found was unlike anything you can find in the city. Perhaps quiet is not entirely the right word, there was a light wind so my ears were hearing the sound of leaves and trees moving, but the sense of peace was unmistakable.
Now that I've found me, it's time to dig deeper for understanding. There's a reason that Egyptians carved eyes on foreheads, and Hindus and Buddhists draw chakras. I know this to be true because I can feel that it's true.
Since we're all quantum fields of vibrational energy, getting close to another will cause overlapping fields, interference. When people gather for church they sing and align the vibration of their fields. When people gather for a sporting event they chant and shout and align their vibrational fields, albeit a bit more chaotically. Personally, I've never particularly enjoyed either of these experiences. I've come to accept that I vibrate an odd frequency - it's part of why the friends vanished, my field is off. It's too discordant, too unusual, too unique.
But I do attune. Ever play in a rated chess tournament? Last Tuesday my game lasted a bit over three hours. 15 boards playing plus the tournament director and other chess club staff and volunteers. I spent that time attuning with 30+ others in complete silence. Want to know the worst way to lose a chess tournament? Have your phone make any sound - any single sound from a phone / smartwatch / anything, and you lose the match.
When's the last time you spent 3 hours awake and in silence?
.. and with 30 other people in the room?
I speculate that most people would find that rather uncomfortable.
Okay, I've been at it for long enough - the kids are getting home and it's time to be dad, finish the spaghetti, and get us to the parkour gym. My car isn't going to jump itself, so I'd best get at it.
reply by Magdalen in '22
Gauntlet: Back in it
posted 2025-10-30 12:04:36
November of 2024 I weighed around 27 pounds, I was taking 80 mg of prozac a day. Over the next 8 months or so I was down to 211 pounds at the lowest and no prozac. Each time I lowered my prozac I felt better. Today I am around 240 pounds, on 40 mg of prozac and 5mg of buspiron. I feel almost entirely out of control of myself. I'm avoiding work, no motivation to go and do anything, feeling overwhelmed by a list of stuff I need to get done. I'm eating absurd amounts of terrible food, like if it was my goal to get as big as possible as quick as possible I don't think I could do much better than I'm doing now. I've lost interest and motivation for lifting weights or exercising at all. I have a hard time focusing, I'm tired, grouchy, and feel bad all over. I spend an awful lot of time on my phone, staring at some of the worst shit out there. The only place I seem to feel comfortable is watching a show that holds my attention and eating junk food. Its all I can really say I want to do. This is part of my cycle for the past decade or more. Have a run of 4-8 good months, followed by 6-12 terrible months. I'm the good months I feel mostly good most of the time, with periods of feeling great, I have motivation, will power, I'm capable of doing things I don't want to do by forcing myself to do them. In my bad months everything is reversed, I feel mostly bad most of the time, with periods of feeling really awful, I have no energy or motivation, no will power. It's getting really tiring and I don't know what to do about it. I want to break out somehow, in the good months I exercise, eat well, have good social interactions, feel confidence and have courage. I take supplements, I meditate....
I feel like I've always been working below my potential, I see people that are far from exceptional doing fairly exceptional things, why can't I seem to figure it out? My best guess is I'm too afraid to fail to even try most things. I don't know how to find the courage, or whatever is needed, to face those fears and break out of this cycle. I don't know if it's even a real possibility. Maybe I'm just a lazy loser who pretends for short periods to be something I'm not.
reply by wonko the sane