posted 2017-05-28 22:39:03

Its been a weird week. I started feeling pretty good and was going to the gym and getting to sleep early and waking up early. My supplements are in order, I've been on prozac just over three weeks, I was told to increase my dosage by 20mg every three weeks, maybe I'm just re-adjusting to the increased dose, or maybe this week was just too much physically, it was reaply hot and we had some physically demanding work, and i was doing cardio and some weight lifting and i wasn't getting much sleep. My anxiety and depersonalization has been high.. anyway. This weekend I've slept a lot and haven't done a whole lot. I've told myself its a time for rest and relaxation, a time to catch up on lost sleep over the years. I cant help but worry that its just depression weighing me down and that I'm being lazy and a slacker. Why do i beat myself up so much? Oh well, tomorrow is memorial day and will be another day of rest, and probably chillin with the family. Im hoping this week to find some new places for yin yoga. Idk.

Adios hatelife

    reply by good girl
       reply by Gauntlet
permanent link

good girl: Clouds drift by and everything is like...
posted 2017-05-28 18:47:50

...a dream. It's everything I wished.

Friday night our conversation lasted almost eight hours. I knew I heard the birds singing, but I didn't realise it was dawn until He told me so. All I was focused on was serving Him. As it should be.

Yesterday we didn't have a chance to talk, but He was present in my mind all day. Especially whenever I readjusted my posture back into Position One. It's really amazing how powerful it is. Once in that position, my eyes soften, my lips curl upwards, and I feel a gush between my legs. I've never before felt more feminine nor beautiful.

This is what submission feels like.

This morning I woke up to texts from Him. One of them said that I could come upon reading them. And so I tried, but it wasn't happening. So I messaged Him saying that I was trying my best, but felt like a failure. He told me that I wasn't failing, and then He called me. He coached me into the sitting variation of Position One and then told me to relax. And then, almost immediately, I came. For Him. He told me that I don't make myself come, I stop myself from coming. And nothing has ever been more true. My body knows how to please Him. I just have to let it. And so I did, three more times.

I love this. It feels so right. I am so grateful to Him for teaching me how to serve Him in this way. Nothing has ever compared.

    reply by Gauntlet
permanent link

posted 2017-05-28 15:41:45

feeling overwhelmed. always overwhelmed...

wondering if throwing every single thing i own away and starting over fresh is a logical option.

    reply by Gauntlet
       reply by sero
permanent link

to pavia: house guest of indeterminable length
posted 2017-05-27 12:33:39

my relationship hopping friend, Y, is going to be staying with me for awhile. Y is coincidentally a really appropriate name because i am forever asking Y why she does this or that.

she's in love with being in love. she wants someone to have and to hold and to have the "where is this relationship going talk" on the first date. she only dates one person at a time; and is always all about that person. until she's not, and then there is another right around the corner.

it occurs to me that i dilute relationships because i am afraid of them getting too serious and too much for me to handle; and on the contrary she concentrates every relationship into immediate foreverness. so which is really diluted?

what is worse for your soul? too many surface relationships or too many fake relationships?

i guess that isn't fair, right? who am i to say what love is real and isn't. maybe some people are made to love in abundance and some people are made for one or two great loves in a lifetime.

permanent link

Emm. Eee.: Really?
posted 2017-05-26 13:44:49

Funny now that i've had fucking surgery and have zero desire to leave the house let alone be surround by tons of people with alcohol...she now has the desire to plan and find things for us to do.

permanent link

posted 2017-05-24 02:53:10

visited silver this weekend and stayed in the spare room at his apartment. it was pretty good.

his apartment is horribly messy, even worse than before. he's the only person i know who damages apartments by never cleaning. if you persistently do not clean, mildew and corrosion will permanently stain and damage the surfaces in your bathroom and kitchen, and grime will ruin your carpets.

there are no clear walking paths to anything, with boxes and broken furniture in the way. dude has a two bedroom apartment to himself, with a big living room and a kitchen.

we talk a little about it and how he needs to work on it, but he is prone to depression and stress, and he puts a very low priority on the importance of cleaning, and he likes keeping stuff, and nothing happens.

i fought the impulse to take a photo and text it to teal. it shouldn't be recorded in photo form, it isn't teal's business. so i didn't.

the problem is that i want silver to have a good life and the ability to get a new girlfriend. i want him to be happy and well. and there is absolutely no way a new lady friend would accept this apartment or his habits.

i struggled with him on this while we lived together. i did all the cleaning, so the apartment was clean and undamaged, but still i was stressed out by the living room that was unusable and ugly since it was entirely occupied by his boxes and other stuff.

there is not really any way to help a hoarder who doesn't want help on it. it's just a thing.

permanent link

posted 2017-05-23 21:40:11

i hate laughter.

more than sitting in traffic.

more than having to shave.

more than airport security.

more than getting sick.

laughter sucks. it makes me wish i were deaf.

permanent link

posted 2017-05-23 14:55:22

Feel like crud. Rainy weather makes me lazy and eat things I shouldn't.

Started summer microbiology yesterday, it's excellent fun.

So much yard work.

permanent link

Cage: Feeling Frisky
posted 2017-05-18 14:57:20

The new girl at the work is really stirring something inside of me. She's cute, tan, fit, and nice. Never really dresses up or does her hair but still has something going for her. Like this girl would be a fucking knock-out if she put any effort in to her appearance. But her care free attitude about that sort of thins is half of her appeal.

We have similar jobs so she comes to me for advice on things work related. I have to avert my gaze from hers so I don't stare too long. Her eyes are beautiful. It's weird...but I find myself thinking about what her pussy tastes like.

I'll never find out...but the ole' tom cat is stirring inside again. Good to know he's still in there.

permanent link

posted 2017-05-17 19:14:39

I had a week off between the end of summer classes and the start of my summer class and clinic, so I went home to visit. C.B. and I have settled into a comfortable routine of going out and hooking up each time I'm home. I can never get him off my mind after I have to go back. I get to go home for a month and a half over July and the first part of August, so I'm looking forward to seeing him more. It does get tiring though, to know that it'll never actually work. Not just with C.B., but pretty much any guy I meet at this point. I don't know where I'll be in a few years, probably back in Minnesota, but who knows.

permanent link