posted 2018-07-15 08:10:08

It's been a long time since I was here. I don't even really have words for some of what's come to pass the last year. No, it's not all been bad. It's not been perfect. It's not been boring either.

Just in an odd place with work. The year pilot was epic fail on funders account, so licking my wounds of working relentlessly for no job security or continuation of the new career path. I worked to set us up. By my birthday (on my birthday!) the axe began to fall. A dozen exceptional and committed staff all at the expense of a shitty corperate decision.

Next year's the big 40. I'm trying to mentally prepare for this. I know there's things my younger self would be disappointed in when I look at my life, lack of children being about top of that list, but I just want to be feeling that I could be part way okay with where things are at. It's gonna need to be a big haul to get to that place where I can look as if from the outside and feel okay with all I am.

I have had some changing of the guard with our household line up. My little girl needed to be put out of pain and suffering at about 17. I miss her, but that grief was a long, gradual process with her too, not like Maxi. Niki was not able to do a lot with us, so we cared for her in the last years as almost a palliative patient.

I have a dear little-heart boy, Lenny, to help with Rexi. Lenny is a sweet little man who keeps me company from moment I walk in the door to moment I leave. We started dog school today. It's going to be different from taking Maxi in the old days, but Lenny needs time and diserves my time, so we just need to be patient.

I just need to find a way to afford my hubby, dogs, our life and a way to do what is necessary for my self care and health, but I struggle to make both work.




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