posted 2017-08-13 10:15:22

I once read, in my peak Elliott Smith obsession, that the symbols of X and then O were placed on graves in some ancient culture. When X was followed by O, it had some meaning of someone who has experienced difficulties in life whose blessings await. That meaning stuck with me like a bit of a totem. At this age, I don't feel entitled to expect fair or just or that people get what they deserve, but there are times I feel blessed by struggle. And there are times I certainly don't, but I'm not entirely without hope for better things to come to the point I'd take control and prematurely end my life in case of some balance and blessings I may miss or a purpose for challenges.

I've just undergone some surgery, which has been essential. I had my work come into jeopardy if I wasn't able to get the hip replacement. I had the surgeon try to postpone when I saw him a year ago. I've been really restricted in all aspects of life for the year past. But now the surgery has been completed. I had enough leave saved from work to mean I still get pay during my recovery. We have insurance to cover some costs so it's not unaffordable. I'm necessitated to face my trauma/phobia of operative procedures, and feel a bit backed into a corner by my employer.

But, it's done. The recovery is going well physically and mentally. And people, my people, have shown up for me. DH has flawlessly gone above and beyond to see that I'm comfortable and take on the running of our house, whilst creating a non-tripping-hazard home where everything is ready for my return. He literally takes care of everything, in tandem with my parents, who are around whilst he works.

Yeah, not everything has been without a hitch. The right leg is now shorter than the left. My surgeon does not feel this will impact on my recovery and that my joint stiffness and muscle cramps can be managed. I have to trust in this. Or fuck, if things are still a problem, we just got to fix it.

Genuinely, DH and I are in our best place together. My parents see how different and loving he is with me. We could not ask for more. My brother calls. My colleagues send well-wishes. My cousin surprised me with a visit ( from 2.5 hours away). We have had losses, DH and I. Disappointment. Sadness. But I have certainty in being loved and cared for independent of any other beings who may share our life, and by people around me for being me. They have the grace to overlook my flakiness and sullenness during the year of pain and accept what I've been able to offer, and find reasons to feel I've been caring, loving and courageous.

This shit has tested my limits, no doubt. And I do want to improve myself going forward, plus prepare to "handle my buisiness" in ways that are smarter and gives me more to put into what is important. I can be more successful at picking my battles and making wise choices so work does not get that hold on me again and take my best, then leave us a bit cold. That's by no way a reflection on the exceptional people I work with as colleagues or as consumers, as they enrich my life. Just general adult learnings about the way organisations operate and that there is a time for self-care/preservation.

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