Feel like I could jump right to the sky and...
posted 2020-03-21 22:56:47

...just lose myself.


This week has been the most exhausting week of my life.

The whole COVID-19 crisis is bad enough, but considering I work in an industry that is considered to provide essential and critical services we are still going full force. Not only that, but we've had to modify our daily operations to adhere to the social distancing guidelines which is driving complexity and ambiguity. Plus, I'm having to manage the emotions, feelings, and concerns of my team members. And finally, I am the on-call manager this weekend so I have literally not had a break.

Every day there is a 7:15AM meeting with senior leadership, followed by an 8:00AM call with my team members for morning updates, and then more calls sprinkled throughout the day for various war rooms, updates, feedback sessions etc.

It is draining af. Regular business practices have been thrown out the window and we're all doing the best we can to keep everyone safe and healthy, yet ensure our customers are getting the service they need.

Yesterday I went to a distillery to source moonshine hand sanitizer for the frontline team. Amazing and insane.

On top of all of this, there's the situation with the Maestro. And due to this situation I'm not going to see him for a just over a week. Not the end of the world, I know... but it's challenging simply because of the gravity of the situation alone. Then on top of that, I am having moderate anxiety as I feel it's inevitable that we're going to get to a mandatory lockdown order from the government. If that happens and it prevents us from seeing each other for longer, I will potentially lose it.

Maybe I am being dramatic. And likely I don't need to worry about that. But I can't help it. That's how my mind works. I tend to think of all of the potential scenarios and then I fixate on the least pleasant of them (and there are a few, but I am only mentioning this one) just so that I am prepared for the worst. And then when/if the outcome is actually positive or neutral, I am delighted.

He called me last night at least. And sent me that picture. So that's good and helpful and makes me feel a bit more optimistic.

I need to trust that he will take care of me. I guess I just need to get through this next week. Day by day.

My team members have been really sweet, though. I got an email from one of my technicians who has been with the company for literally 40 years saying that he really appreciates my composure during this time and loves my management style. He actually told me that he hopes that he'll retire with me as his manager. It fucking made me cry. And I don't get emotional about shit. Another one of my technicians told me that my calm approach to my daily updates makes her feel much more relaxed and equipped to handle her day. And one of my old team members who got moved under a different manager called me today and said that he missed hearing my voice and we chatted for a good 15 minutes.

I had no idea I had that kind of effect on people.

I guess that's why I do what I do. It means a lot to make an impact on these guys. But it takes so much out of me.

I can't wait until this is all over. And I mean everything. This whole pandemic, the situation with the Maestro, the awkwardness with my brother. All of it.

On the bright side (and I can't believe I forgot to mention this in my last post) I lost 14 inches overall with this fucking program I've been doing. It's literally the only thing that has really worked for me in the past 4 years.

Allora, buonanotte.




to hatelife to journal