posted 2018-07-12 16:11:58
Depressions back with a vengence. After being held at Bay for so long with medication that helped it's finally found it's way back into the squirming mass that is my brain. It started with a med decrease to try another med months ago. Halved the dose by Drs orders. New med worked for helping aid in weight loss but the drop in amitriptyline sent me deep into depressions grasp. Advised doctor and restored the dose to previous level. Normally with it having been more than 2 months I should be feeling better. Usually o ly takes a week to restore levels in me. But here I sit, full dose 2 months after restore feeling like this world may be a better place if I were not a part of it. I've told my Dr that I am still experiencing deep depression and we've doubled my dose to see if that can pull me out of this never ending nosedive.
Of course with this has come self alenatio , keeping others as far away as possible. Making up bullshit excuses with my friends that I've had stuff scheduled with. I can't just say "nah man I'm not leaving bed today cause fuck it all".
Celebrated 10 years with Somer, that was an upper. Can't function sexually due to depression so it made me feel like a failure. Can't do things with Suzanne for the same reason. Hell can't even do things with myself. Just not in the right headspace to do anything.... Do t wanna hang.out with friends, dont wanna go out and do studd., Dont want to really go to work. The darkness that was my life premedication from the ancient past is now my current reality and I find myself asking how the fuck I managed to stay alive and not just end it.
And yet here I am, still trying to make it through life. Trying to figure out one day at a time why I exist and why am I here. It's sure as fuck not to do anything good or great. I'm 36, work a job I hate, buy too much shit I don't need just cause of the second of joy I feel hitting buy now before the regret of spending money kicks in. I'm never going to change the world, never going to be a senator or a president or even a man others count on. In the end I'll be nothing. Another name in the paper when I die, only those who once knew me personally giving a shit and then likely only for the stuff I leave behind.
This world sucks.