posted 2018-03-23 03:30:11
Seasonal depression has given way to the thought that I am worthless. Cant buy clothes off the rack due to being fat. Even if the weight somehow dropped off, the damage is done. Back is fucked up with pinched nerves and every day I just feel less and less like moving forward... and yet I have to so that I can hold others hands through life and show them something they think I have but in reality, do not have. I have two girlfriends which should sustain me, keep my spirits going but my moral is at an extreme low.
I dont even know how to describe it. I feel lost and without a course to follow. I play like i am happy on the outside to everyone. My co-workers at the job I hate, My Brothers at lodge who see a dedicated Mason but cant see beyond it, My girlfriends both have depression issues and sharing mine makes them both sad so I hide it. I try to deal with it in Therapy but my anger or annoyances always come first.
A ship without a rudder is lost. I think my rudder went missing a long time ago.