posted 2021-09-09 05:54:53

holy fuckkkkk,

we broke up again, idk why i took him back when he was obviously going to cheat again. i caught him trying to cheat againnn so whatever, fuck that guy!!!! i deserve a good guy just like a good guy deserves me. but i feel like i deserve the fucking worst. i was feeling fine yesterday and today but now its almost 5 am and im in fucking tears. it fucking hurts. my heart aches.

i cant believe i gave him a place to stay, i gave him my all, i tried my best for him, i did acid so many times but he was the only person i had coitus with on acid, first person i had buttstuff with and we got sober together. I had a lot of firsts with this guy. first an last person to cheat on me.

fucking hurts, like holy fuck i knew i was a piece of shit and a bitch and that we had problems but i thought he would just communicate the problems or break up. im stupid to think that because im loyal, he would be too. like i wish i couldve seen it coming. i had a gut feeling but i didnt listen to it enough. like i cant trust anyone. ive been robbed, beaten, raped, taken advantage of, so many bad things have happened and i dont know how to get out of the "victim mentality". like bro im hurting so much.

also just found out my first love unfollowed me on insta after 4 years :((((((( i have the app that tells me my unfollowers and i saw, i know its immature to keep track of who follows/unfollows but i cant help it. he didnt remove me from his followers but he doesnt post ever. idk im realizing only now maybe its not the best idea his current long term gf follows me on my spam/vent acc and my main account on insta.... even though we're ex and broken up for 4 years and we were on good terms, just dont understand why now he would decide to unfollow?

I know i shouldnt care about my ex's but i cant seem to let go. i know im never going to be with him again but because he was a positive impact in my life, i just want the best and for him to be okay. i hope hes doing well and is somewhat happy.... idk im on good terms with my first love, im on good terms with the guy that took my v card and one other ex, then the two other (pb and t) im not on good terms with. but if im being honest with myself, im over them romantically but im not over the fact that i wish they never left/i never left. i sound so fucking stupid. i can barely keep my thoughts straight.

i need to build my self confidence, self respect and build boundaries but its hard. i fucking hate myself.

i cant stop thinking about my abusive ex (pb), like even though he beat the fuck out of me, he never cheated on me to my knowledge and was loyal to me, but then again i was oblivious and naïve when i was dating pb at 16-18. Loyalty is all i ask for but that was too much for.

Like im the fucking problem. ive been the problem for fucking years, i destroy everything i touch.

how have i loved every person since him? but at the same time there will never be a love as pure as my first love...

i feel like everyone is growing up and moving on (going to/finishing uni/college, stable jobs, starting families etc.) and all i can thing about is the past. my whole life. i cant stop thinking about how i ended up here, a loser with no self respect and boundaries. I feel like im still stuck at the age of 16 when i dropped out of high school and started living on my own.

im so fucking NOT independent. im so fucking lazy. like every time something gets too hard in my life i just give up, if i wasnt such a pussy i would give up at life. maybe ill actually do it accidentally one day. maybe ill find a cure to my depression. or better way to manage..

gonna try and go back to school/get a job but i need to work on my anxiety leaving the house first....

i am aware of how bitchy, entitled, stupid, uneducated, emotionally immature, stuck in the past and lame i sound.

sorry if this post gave you a stroke trying to read, im too brain dead to correct all the typos and shit. sorry my thoughts are all over the place.

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