posted 2017-10-06 01:11:15

My mom passed away.
I'm devastated. I'm sad. I'm full of regrets and remorse.
She was way too young. 58.
Another worst part is she passed away a week ago and was found during a wellness check.
If only I would have called on a regular basis....talked to her more...cared more...showed her...
We weren't able to have a service for her bc of the time that had already passed...the coroner highly recommended against it. I understand but it hurts more. Not being able to say goodbye.
I've been bursting into tears for the past 2days. I can't stop. My brothers came into town to stay together through friday. Day one they got into a huge fight that was over something so random I was confused and just staring. They both left that same day. They left me to be by myself and to deal with everything.
I went to pay the funeral cremation service and in return they handed me her ashes. I was told it would take a week and here she was...in my hands...in a box...within 48hrs of being told I had lost her.
There's so much now that needs to be done and all I can focus on is the fact that without my brothers....we never did anything to memorate her. My dad, me and my little brother went to arbys before he left bc my dad said one of the things my mom and him did a lot was get the Jamoca shakes...so that's what we did. No services. She deserves more. Yes we had our differences...problems...mentally...emotionally...but my mom did great raising us and she was a great soul.
I've decided to plan to take her ashes to Long Island,N.Y. where she is from. Her one request was to be spread over the L.I. sands. So when it gets nice out again that's what I'm doing for her. I'll invite all the family, plus extended to her...and have a service then as well. I hope that's enough to show her I loved her.
I found a rang she gave me years ago. It's pretty but for some reason I never wore it much. Now it's on.
My brothers are still fighting over "respect " And all I want to do is scream bc they left me without even thinking about the situation or even helping each other mourn.

My boyfriend has been great. Of all people, he has been able to KNOW when I am about to break down. He's always comforting me before it happens. I've never had that. But it's pretty amazing. And very helpful.

My mom is gone. And now all I wish for is for her to be here so I can hug her so tight and tell her everything at once so she knows I love her this much. She didn't deserve to be gone for a week before someone found her. She didnt deserves that.
I'm currently living off Xanax and melatonin.
I hate this.




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