posted 2025-10-30 12:04:36
November of 2024 I weighed around 27 pounds, I was taking 80 mg of prozac a day. Over the next 8 months or so I was down to 211 pounds at the lowest and no prozac. Each time I lowered my prozac I felt better. Today I am around 240 pounds, on 40 mg of prozac and 5mg of buspiron. I feel almost entirely out of control of myself. I'm avoiding work, no motivation to go and do anything, feeling overwhelmed by a list of stuff I need to get done. I'm eating absurd amounts of terrible food, like if it was my goal to get as big as possible as quick as possible I don't think I could do much better than I'm doing now. I've lost interest and motivation for lifting weights or exercising at all. I have a hard time focusing, I'm tired, grouchy, and feel bad all over. I spend an awful lot of time on my phone, staring at some of the worst shit out there. The only place I seem to feel comfortable is watching a show that holds my attention and eating junk food. Its all I can really say I want to do. This is part of my cycle for the past decade or more. Have a run of 4-8 good months, followed by 6-12 terrible months. I'm the good months I feel mostly good most of the time, with periods of feeling great, I have motivation, will power, I'm capable of doing things I don't want to do by forcing myself to do them. In my bad months everything is reversed, I feel mostly bad most of the time, with periods of feeling really awful, I have no energy or motivation, no will power. It's getting really tiring and I don't know what to do about it. I want to break out somehow, in the good months I exercise, eat well, have good social interactions, feel confidence and have courage. I take supplements, I meditate....
I feel like I've always been working below my potential, I see people that are far from exceptional doing fairly exceptional things, why can't I seem to figure it out? My best guess is I'm too afraid to fail to even try most things. I don't know how to find the courage, or whatever is needed, to face those fears and break out of this cycle. I don't know if it's even a real possibility. Maybe I'm just a lazy loser who pretends for short periods to be something I'm not.