posted 2018-10-09 21:04:07

Whew. Back up to like 240lbs. What monster swings. Got down to 170 something and felt great. I felt in control of myself, I felt happy, I felt like I was worth something. I felt strong. Shortly after bunny and I broke up I got overwhelmed. I think it was a combination of things, getting such a hyper puppy and trying to do everything perfect for her, dealing with the break up and the aftermath of the break up, struggling with the financial impact of taking care of another human for way too long, feeling like I had completely dropped all personal boundaries again, part of my self worth was defined by dating a "hot girl" and I think recognizing that she was so broken made me think the only way I could be worth someone who looked like her is if they were all fucked up mentally and emotionally. Then star, it bugged me that she was only somewhat interested in me after bunny and I split. I can justify that by assuming she just didn't want to hurt bunny by being with me, or didn't want any part of the drama, or I can best myself up and think she was only around for bunny and not for me. We seemed to have something for a bit there though. A genuine interest in each other. But then she just sort of used me when she was having a hard time and would disappear again. I lost so much self worth wrestling with those two girls emotionally and mentally. I should've never let myself believe they defined my self worth in the first place. I shouldn't have been with bunny for so long. Truthfully I should've listened to (almost everyone, and everything inside me) and left her as soon as I got back from Canada.

to hatelife to journal