posted 2018-05-09 16:08:04

Whew. I don't know where I left off. I don't see this journal entry being structured well or very coherent.. I feel scatter brained. Everytime I think I've found the answer, I find myself right back where I thought I'd never be again. I am fighting my weight again. Fighting old habits of coping. Finding it hard to make it 5lto the gym. I still can't really understand what the problem is. Motivation is low most days and I'm tired as hell. Got a cold sore last month, never had one before. That sucks. Back to fighting to stay below 200lbs, in the midst of a diet bet with my friend, kind of feel like just winning and taking time away from such strictness. Idk. I felt a lot better when I was smaller and clothes fit me nice and I could move around without feeling so heavy. I don't know how to deal with things.. I think I go straight to distraction and deception and avoidance still, just not with booze and cigarettes and I'm able to hold off going crazy with junk food for longer. But I jumped right back into a relationship and she's incredible, honestly, but some part of me knows I would've been better off really taking some time for myself and not distracting myself with tinder and dating in general. I just get so lonely.. and it feels good to be liked.. and justified all the steps I was taking with my looks and everything having a few different girls that were digging me, and made me feel worthwhile and interesting and excited. New partners bring new perspective and a different part of me that I might otherwise not see, and push me to do new exciting things, and distract me from boredom and loneliness.

I went to Vipassana.. 10 days of meditation, vegetarianism, no books, writing, talking, cell phones, no cooking, no exercise, no masturbation, no drugs, just be. Just be alive and don't lose your mind. I almost made it... Well, not really, I made it halfway. And then ran screaming lol. That shit was really fucking hard and my mind just wouldn't stop fucking with me. Haven't really meditated since I left, but then again 40 hours or so while I was there is more than I'd get in a typical year probably, so maybe I'm still ahead of the game.

Currently waiting to see my new psychiatrist, or psychologist, I can never remember which is which. Basically a fancy therapist without prescribing medication, whichever. I'm at my shrinks office waiting to be seen. Not really sure what I'm going to tell him.. I've been through this shit so many timedñs and I never know where to start, and what's relevant and what isn't, it all feels like we are just throwing shit at the wall and hoping something will stick and if it sticks hoping it was the right thing. Never any certainty in this.