posted 2021-07-16 00:45:52

I've been in a pretty fucked up head space.

I've been thinking about getting on some meds. That would probably help me be a better mother.
No kid wants a sad mom.

I haven't slept in 4 days. Not sure if it's the depression or if it's my medical issues I've been having. Or the recreational drug use. Currently off work 12 weeks for surgery on the tendons in my feet. It led to a skin infection that's taken over half my back. It's fucking gnarly. They keep pumping me with their drugs and I keep pumping me with my own.

I've recently rekindled a great friendship with an old girlfriend of mine from high school. I haven't had a great friend in such a long time. It feels so nice.

Over the years I feel I have lost a lot of what makes me me.

The downside is her ability to consistently put drugs in front of me whenever I go up to see her. This past weekend it was coke. The weekend before mushrooms. The weekend before acid and molly. Always huffing nitrous tanks. Always drinking. It's a lovely escape until I get back to reality.

I can always say no without any pressure, however I do not want to say no if it's in my free time while I know my child is taken care of elsewhere.

No wonder I feel like shit and cannot sleep.
I'm getting too old to party.

The MDMA makes you sadder when you're already sad. The comedown lasted days. I wanted to die. Not worth it. 0/10, do not recommend. Had a 130 bpm heartrate for over 16 hours.

Staying away from the MDMA in the future.

I'm not surprised I'm single at 32.
I'll bet I'm single at 42.

I don't see myself moving in with a man ever again. At least not while I have my daughter living with me. I like having control over my own shit. I surrendered that power about a year ago and that's very uncharacteristic of myself.

I'm still sitting in the ashes of that as I type. I made the move because I wanted to give my daughter a "family vibe." She was pushing on me to do it. He was pushing on me. I agreed but only if I could have my own room. That should have been the first red flag showing I'm not ready for this.

About 6 months ago my daughter was pushing me to get out. She said she didn't like him...that he was too young and that she could never think of him as "fatherly," which I cannot fault her. He does not possess a fatherly bone in his body because he is a big kid. She also said she can tell I was happier when it was just her and I living together. I can hide my unhappiness from a lot of people, but never her. I explained to her how I felt and what my intentions were. Her dislike for him only grew from there. I shouldn't have did that...confirming her doubts. She started throwing him shade whenever she saw the chance.

I wasn't really feeling it with Dude. He is 10 years my junior. I was sold on the idea of Dude, but not Dude himself. He seemed like he had a good thing going for being so young. Had a huge house, nice new car, investments, completing real estate courses, had multiple properties, was active in the political scene, paid attention to me, we had a best friend dynamic.

It was all smoke and mirrors. He has none of that now.

Young, immature, no life experience, can't fuck, no ambition, all talk/no walk, can't cook, lazy, cant commit to anything, refuses to travel, unhygienic. I began to feel like his roommate and his mother. I guess you can say at that point I started using him, prepping in the dark corner of my mind my escape route and how to maximize my savings by living rent and utility free. I had medical bills to pay off from summer 2020 where I had an emergency surgery.

Karma is a bitch.
She loves serving it up cold and sloppy.
I had this coming.
I can't even be mad.

We knew this surgery was coming. We knew for months when and how long it was going to be. We knew I wasn't going to be able to walk and I was going to need help around the house being wheelchair bound. 2 days after I have this surgery on my foot, he decided it's a good time to establish we shouldn't be in a relationship. He also decided it was time to leave all the commitment we established came along with the temporary immobility. I didn't really do anything to him or our relationship. I never cheated on him even though I dreamed of it. I wanted to execute my strategy and that would have made it messier than needed.

During recovery he helped me none. The past 5 weeks my daughter has been my saving grace as I've recovered. She's taken on a lot of responsibility. Dude can't even put a load of laundry in, really? Can't mow the yard, really? Can't wash your own dishes, really? Can't wipe your piss off the floor, really?

When he announced his departure from this relationship I acted shocked like I haven't been fantasizing about riding some other dick all along. I have to say, I'm pretty impressed with myself staying faithful in the dead end relationship. That's not like me. I am very sexually charged. I really tried to play it out to hit my gains.

I hadn't laid a hand on his dick in 8 months. I didn't even kiss him anymore because he stopped brushing his teeth. Who the fuck stops brushing their teeth? DISGUSTING. I couldn't even imagine fucking him. He showered every other day, if that. He went to the gym and worked a physical job and couldn't even wash the sweat off. He grossed me out. But I kept playing roommate/mommy to execute my strategy and to lock in my gains.

Never doing that again. Not worth it.
Another 0/10 do not recommend.

We work together. So that's great. 2 weeks after the split he tells me he's talking to another woman we work with.

He did this before with the same woman when we were briefly split for 4 months.
She's older than me and has 2 more kids than I do. Good luck, buddy. Watch how much I don't give a fuck.

She clearly doesn't know what it's like to be fucked by a man. Oof. This dude is not trainable. Total starfish.

I wasted so much time on this kid because I was too scared to make real moves with my life. I do not belong in this city where I know no one. I do not belong in this environment. Fuck, I don't even belong at my job. I had too much pressure from outside telling me "this is what you want, this is what's good for your daughter" when it clearly wasn't what I wanted for us.

The weekend after we were "done" I went out and got railed, surgical boot and all.

That was a long time coming.
No pun intended.

Tall, bald, muscular, sexy black men are my weakness.

So here I sit, in my room, in this house I share with my now ex. Dealing with my brain, my medical complications, two more upcoming surgeries, and trying to find out where I want to be. He's honoring his commitment to have me living here until I'm recovered and found a place for my daughter and I.

I've put in transfer requests all over, getting me close to Chicago. I have also been looking at other job opportunities considering I hate my job and hate working for the government. However, the pay is fucking Grade A. The retirement looks so nice. The fact they match my contributions to my TSA makes me wet with delight. I banked over 30k in less than 3 years. If I maintain a career, I'll walk out at 57 with half a mil or more in that account alone. I want to gradually put that into a Roth so I don't get completely robbed when I pull it out. Buuuut I really don't want to work for someone else, especially Uncle Sam, the rest of my life. It's not fulfilling. It's too demanding. The mandatory overtime is excessive. I shouldn't be making 20 to 30k over my projected salary every year. I don't want it. At least not right now. I'd rather have my weekends off. I'd rather travel. I'd rather do things with my daughter.

I've accepted if I find a job with weekends off in my desired location, I'll accept a pay cut.

It felt good to get this out of my head.
This simple gray page still offers so much solitude.

I don't think I'll ever turn comments back on. That's what made me quit posting to begin with. There are some assholes around here, like everywhere I suppose. Just let me be. Leave me alone. If you read my shit for your own entertainment/amusement, let it be that.

No need to rub my nose in my own shit.

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