posted 2021-07-18 04:44:35

so my partner is on the verge of... I'm not sure what she's on the verge of. breaking up with me? seriously redefining our relationship? She's spent the last year having rotator cuff surgery and two operations on her ears and now she's been trying to get a neurologist appointment for chronic migraines because she's nauseous and throwing up a lot and can barely get from the couch to bed and back some days. Her other partner and I took her to Patient First* to get COVID swabbed. she said she was really weak, couldnt move her limbs, etc. strong flu like symptoms. So far her rapid test results were negative, our PCR results arnt back yet (the ELISA like rapid tests are very inaccurate in people with low virus levels)

anyhow point is she feels I've been really selfish and disconnected for the last... practically since we moved in together, but it's gotten way worse since Covid has lightened up, (however ephemerally)-

lets see. I've physically checked out a lot after all her surgeries and physical issues and pain- the BDSM stuff went away, and she says I stopped being a Dom somewhere in there. As she's gotten better, I basically haven't kept up with or tried to force her to do stuff, and as is always the case with me, I'm doing other stuff. We had a really rough time last week, I worked three nights in a row, so spent a day asleep on each end and in between, and basically.... checked out for a week. This is what makes me nervous about hospital work, the amount of time it takes you away from your family.

first day off I get a solicitation from someone we've both been friends with for years, who has a huge amount of overlapping interests, and I looked at it and said "I'm doing this". she'd been isolated and looking for attention for days. A selfish move.

Anyhow, I woke up at 3 AM today because my circadian rhythm is shot (being a night nurse is a cancer risk that needs to be measured in ciggarettes, like explain it as "people who work at night are being asked by administration to smoke half a pack a day" etc.

I rarely drink anymore. not much. It freaks her out too much. which is why it's four AM and I'm drinking. Fuck. As A and I have told each other a bunch in the last few days, this isn't the life either of us wanted. Last year she was gardening up a storm, cleaning other people's houses, all kinds of crap. This year we're talking about making an application for long term disability.

She brings up me not being consistently in therapy or as she sometimes puts it "working on my shit", and sure, ok. I tend to see therapy as a medium term solution to a problem, like X is freaking you out so you do stupid thing Y, as opposed to a lifestyle. There's an old joke from the freudian mid 20th century that therapy is what people invented to replace religion. This obviously isn't true given liberty university's massive degree slant towards various types of christian therapy, but it's a way of thinking about the self.

I went to bed before 10pm, I'm up at 4 AM, and I'm not happy. Things are not going well at home.

we were talking at work about the stress it puts on our relationships. feeling that a lot now.

*Patient First is a chain of 70some urgent care doc in a box places based in River City and mostly spreading north into PA and New Jersey. They have their own internal boutique electronic medical records system, it's DOS based and was built by one of the founders in the early 90s. It immediately at your side prints out these recipt like papers with all your scrips, diagnoses, vitals, lab results, etc. They have some kind of cool and very direct ways of doing medicine.

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