too dehydrated for tears
posted 2018-09-12 17:15:04

I feel so low today. I came back to work today after being sick for the last 3 days. Genuine illness there...nothing fake or phony about it. Fever, nausea, body aches, the whole works. Hit me like a ton of bricks and knocked me down for 2 solid days. I came back to work today. I felt good at first. It was nice to clear out the work that had amassed while I was gone. I had all of that finished up in about 3 hours. After that I was left here sitting around feeling bad about myself again. I hate it here. Nothing makes me realize that more than being gone for 2 days and it only taking me 3 hours to catch up on my work. I have zero desire to stay here. But I can't quit. I can't go without the paycheck. Moving on has been so much easier said than done. I have been applying for jobs for the last 2 years and have only had 2 interviews. I've worked my resume, my website, my references. I've had them all checked by editors to make sure there are no grammatical errors or design issues. I have applied for jobs I am over qualified for, under qualified for, and jobs at my current level. Over the course of the year I probably average about 1 application per week. Over two years that's over 100 jobs I have applied for that I have gotten. 2% interview rate isn't great. Keep trying everyone says. Stay focused on it. If you didn't get it it's because there is something out there for you that's better. Bull shit to all of that. I feel beat down. I feel unwanted. I feel like the person I thought I was professionally is just a lie. I worked my ass off to get to the position I am at and I have realized over this application process that no one gives a shit. I thought taking this job was going to be a stepping stone to my future. Reality is it was a step in to my grave. I feel stuck. So stuck. I hate coming to work. I hate being at home. I feel so unfulfilled. Start your own thing some people say. Hard to do when you can barely keep your head above water financially. My wheels have been spinning for so long. I've been banging my head against the same wall for years. It's enough to drive a person mad. I feel like I am losing my fucking mind.

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